Remembering Snippets

I am surprised how little I remember of my growing-up years. I have snippets of things but lots of things are gone. I remember this one time my brothers went to visit their friends for a few hours. I was a tag along because I still needed a sitter. I wondered if they would get into trouble because Mom and Dad let them go to this place where the boys always found something to do with getting into trouble. Sure enough, they got into trouble with a B B gun. The problem with that is that they found many targets and some were not so great. They did not damage anything that I remember, except my trust and loyalty by terrorizing me!

They did not want any girls following them or knowing their biz. I just wanted to be a part of the group. Needless to say, they decided to shoot at me! I am not sure they wanted to hurt me or just to make me scream. That I did, I was afraid for my life. ( I was only 6) Lucky for me, our babysitter heard me and came looking. The boys were in serious trouble! They got the bb guns taken away immediately. Then, I felt bad. Ok, not too bad, lol. I spent the rest of the day inside the house away from them until time to go home.

We often went someplace after school because Mom was either working at the Cafe or going back to College.

I liked it because we never really went anywhere else except to Grandma and Grandpa's house.

New Pain, More Healing

I have had a wonderful start to my New Year.
That is a bigger accomplishment than it sounds.

This all comes after a terrible Autumn and a better
Winter. I say this simply because things are really
starting to improve at last.
They say Life is what we make it, this is true beyond
belief or knowledge.
"After the Darkness Comes the Dawn". All of
the old sayings are true, guess that they
have stood the sands of time.

From Dark times come good times, someone once said.
This I now find true.
Had someone asked me this several months ago, I could
not have answered so readily. I did not feel so. I
did not feel at all. I was numb to everything.
I was reaching a crisis I did not know I was in. Not knowing
about it, I could not prepare or handle it. Things kept
getting bigger in my mind and no matter what I did, I
could not fix it.

As I found success in my weight loss efforts, the more I fell
into this very dark place inside me. It was deeper than anyone
could have told me. I was alone. I felt unloved. I was losing
the one constant in my Life, food.
Food, ah the Elixer of Life for me.
No longer so. Thank goodness.

While I was in this deepening "place" I had landed, I knew I
was there. I knew all was not good. I knew it needed to be fixed.
I thought I could fix it all by leaving this safe haven, this home.
To this day I am not sure why I figured that moving out, getting
my own place, starting a new Life on my own would work. It did not.
That became clear only 2 weeks into my new found living space.
Why I did not talk things out with my husband is beyond my scope
at this time. I had tried to get attention and help about such
matters, but I suppose I did not speak loudly enough. Every time
I tried, I felt I was being ignored. I felt like I no longer
mattered. I was now a piece of the furniture with no worth other
than taking up a space and not providing any Income to help pay
the bills.

What I did not realize at that time was that it was ME myself who
was placing all of this on me. I was not well in my mind. I perhaps
have never really been well in my mind. As I look to my past more
and more, I see that I have not been truly Happy in many many,
many years.

I felt so worthy and loved when I first married. I was at last
loved and accepted as I was....warts and all. Lumps and all.
Fat and all. I was ready to raise my Family. I had wanted to
be a Mom since I was a very young child. I would give my
unadulterated love to every animal on the Farm from Baby Chicks
in Spring, to Bunnies given from Grandparents, to the dogs
and cats we acquired as the years of my childhood went slowly
by me. I remember mostly from pictures now. I will see a photo
and remember something from way back then. That is a good feeling.
Going back now, I see the good times again. I am slowly forgetting
the sad, bad times. There were many sad times. We never had much
money. We rarely realized it. Mom and Dad did a very good job
of making us feel special at Christmas and on Birthdays.

Why did all of this escape me? Why did I turn so bitter inside?
Was I so positive that I was not worthy of this Love given to
me? Yes. I did not, nor did I ever for a very long time Love
myself.

I was never going to be good enough, ever. I made sure of that
myself. I sabotaged Me. I still to this day catch myself almost
falling back into that place again. That self loathing tries
to creep back, but I slap it down now. No more will I be my
own victim!

Life is such a mind game! One I have not been so very good
at playing. Sure on the surface, I have always put forth a
Happy Face. I was the Life of the Party, the "Happy" fat girl.

We moved at a very critical time in my Life. I did not realize
it, and that took a huge toll on me. Back when we moved, I
looked at it as a saving grace. A new place to start over.
New Friends. New schools. A New Life, a better one.

As we settled in to a new home, and a new start, I fell victim
to my own unworthiness as the community we moved into was
very "in" to status and money and clothes and shoes. Yes,
shoes. Some of my new classmates had 20 pairs of shoes in
their closets. This flabbergasted me at the same time it
amazed me.

I reached out for friends and found some. Or I should say
they accepted me. I was more comfortable in their arena.
That is why I never tried to be accepted into the "popular"
group. Some made it. Some with more weight than me on
their frames. It was confidence I lacked that made those
few shine in the "in" crowd.

Now looking back, that was a blessing more than a curse.
No child back then could realize that. In the future it
would not matter where you were in the class. It would
not matter who was "popular". No one could tell me how
to be Happy. I had to find that happiness myself.

Mom made me join things. I think I would have been a loner
way back then had I been allowed to be. She encouraged me
to join 4-H. She wanted me to find my niche. So did Dad.
They had begun to worry that I was alone so much. They
wanted me to be a success. They pushed me out of the Shell
I was creating for myself, that warm safe cocoon.

It took a long time. I was a poor student in friendships.
I did not realize it then. I do now. All I know about
those days is that I ran into all of the wrong types of
people. Those who had their own poor self image. Those
who had to pick on those they found weaker than themselves.

There was even one Boy who really did like me, I know it.
He tried to become my friend, but his "peers" picked on
him enough that he did not have the courage to go on.
He set up a date with me, then did not show up. Not only
did that hurt, but then when the "in" group of boys
laughed and taunted me at School for a while after it
happened. I toughed it out. I am not sure I even told
Mom and Dad about it. The worst thing that could happen
was that they get involved in it.

I also remember getting kicked out of a class for making
eyes at my best friend about some silly thing the Teacher
was saying in his Science Class lecture.
This became a fiasco as well. I ended up in the Music
Teacher's room because I didn't know where else to go
and my friend and I were crying so hard we did not want
anyone else to see us. My parents did get involved in
that one. Mom came to School to see what happened. Of
course it was my and my friend's word against that teacher.
I was too embarrassed to admit the rolling eyes thing
that my friend and I had done.

There are many other things that happened that have helped to
mold me into the person I had become. Small things, perhaps,
but with huge conswquences when viewed by a Shy, maturing
teen with no self respect or worth.

Now this past October, all of this came crashing down on me.
I found I was facing an impossible task. I could not live
on my own, I loved my Famiy way too much to leave them
all behind. I was forced once again to look at myself
deeply. I did NOT like what I saw. In my quest to find
myself, I lost myself instead.

My husband Larry was so very supportive of what I did.
He went out of his way to show me he wanted my Happiness.
Until this time, he was not aware how badly I was hurting.
I am oh so good at covering things like that up.

I hadn't healed from my Mother's Death. I perhaps never will
entirely. There are still some old wounds that go deep. I
promise to keep working on it and to resolve it in time.

"All Things Will Pass". This too is unvalueably true.
"Time Heals All Wounds". Yes it does.

That is why this is the best Year Ever. THIS New Year. It grows
much better. It leaves the Past behind by recalling it and writing
things down.

It is my Catharsis. I will "Spring forward" again.
I am worthy!

Hugs to ME! Hugs to YOU!

More Next time!

Katie

The Day After

Today is the day after Mother's Day.
Yes, as they say, the world does go on.
Thank goodness for that. Sometimes we do not see how it can.
Thank goodness for that too. We have to "feel", even when it is pain.

I quit feeling for a while. Possibly to protect myself.
For a time after my Mom died, I could not feel.
No pain, no anger, no joy, no excitement.
Only a non-feeling feeling.

It is difficult to explain this feeling. I had never felt
such a thing before. Absence of feeling perhaps I should say.

No connection.
Bewilderment.
Lost.
I pushed those I loved most
away.
I wasted time that I knew I was wasting.
I knew I could not get it back.
I did not care.

Remembering this year that has passed,
I feel much better now. I knew the stages
of grief. I went through them. I survived.

I owe a lot of that to my friends online.
They cared. They shared. They listened.
They listened some more. Some even
called.

I will be forever thankful for that.

I promised to take better care of me.
I promised Mom. I promised me.

Now with this recent injury, that is a tough order.
I will not give up on me, I cannot. I am the only
one who has to care now.

I knew in my Heart after Mom died that we could
not be selfish and want her to stay when she was so lost.
She stayed longer than she should have possibly...but I
will be forever thankful that she did.

She gave me the best gift in doing that. We had time
to spend together. I wiped her furrowed brow. I was
able to love her a little bit longer. Kiss her a few times.
She lit up when I walked into the room. It was like the
first time she had seen me in a very long time, every time.

That smile, that humor. She had it. She used it. She enjoyed it.
Those who knew her adored her. She never knew an enemy.
She gave me my life, I will always love her.
I still marvel at how she continued to tell us she had no pain.
That will remain forever hard to believe. I thank goodness
she did not.

I know now that I am much more like her than I ever
wanted to be. I wanted to be different....and I am that too.
She gave me that as well.

She gave me love of people. She gave me humor. She gave
me time. She gave me poetry. She gave me her heart.

She would have given her life for me.
She gave me joy.

She helped me see past the surface in people
to see what was beneath. She taught me well.

Yes, I miss her this Holiday. I have missed her on
Christmas. I have missed her on my Birthday.
I have missed her on Hers.

I am very lucky in that I have wonderful memories.
She gave me that too.

She also gave me my Brothers, dear men.
They have grown older and better. They have
fathered wonderful children. They are my friends now.
She taught them that.

She wrote of when they were younger. I must do so too.
I will write down tales of growing up. Playing and hiding.

Yes, it is the Day after. The day after Mother's Day.
I am enjoying this day as much as I have the Day before.

I remember Mamma too. I smile. I cry a little.
I loved her so much, and always will.

Now that she is gone, I wish I had called her more.
I wish I had sent her flowers more. I wish I had
gone to visit her more.

I will make the effort to do so with my girls.
I promise you that Mom....

I do not want to end this writing on a sad note.
It has been a wonderful year. I have been able
to spend much time with Family. We are all closer now.

The phone rings often.
My girls miss me and spend time with me.
I am loved.

So, to all reading this,
Happy Day After Mother's Day!
Celebrate. Enjoy, Call!

Hugs

Katie

The Past

I just looked over some writings I did earlier this year.
It has been amazing listing the happenings in my life.
Yes, I have only just begun as they say.
There seems to be a pattern. I am only at the tip of the Iceberg.
Thing is, I am actually finally beginning to LIKE what I see in me.

Remembering growing up is a wonderful pastime.
Not only does it let you learn more about yourself, but it
helps you remember things that way too
many people have forgotten to appreciate.

I see the tendency now days to "be entertained".
We used to go do that ourselves. We would play games,
read, run outside and make a fort.

Climb up a tree and imagine a Kingdom rather than watch
a tv show or rent a movie.

Don't take this the wrong way, I love that those things are
available for my children.
I think of a lot of things I would have wanted
growing up if they had been available.
I still like to find little discoveries with my Computer and
spend more than enough time playing.

That said, I long for that time when I was a young girl.
Now I would have enjoyed it much more than
I did then. I always wanted to be somewhere I wasn't...
Just like I find my daughter doing now.

I remember playing with a puppy.
Dressing it up in a little dress. Walking down to the pond.
Checking out the turtles and other critters near it.
I remember Persimmon Trees and that
pretty orange hue those fruits had on them.

I remember Apple Blossom time in Spring, usually
the end of April although sometimes Winter was not
quite done and you could almost see the Apple
trees shudder.

I can remember lying on the ground looking up at the clouds
just because I could do it!
Lying there looking at them bump together, pass each other...
gave me a feeling of freedom, joy and relaxation.

Not only did I do all of those things, I was exploring me.
Now of course at the time I did not
realize I was doing those things...I was just a child playing.

I also take time to try to remember my Family better.
I have recently been investigating my Dad's history.
I began there simply because I wanted to know
more about where I came from.

When we moved my Dad's remaining things
from the house they had just sold, and then later from the
storage unit last Spring, my brother and I discovered
that Mom and Dad had Photo Album after Album that we never
knew existed. Now, I knew they had a few because Mom always
talked about going through them with us someday.
But, she had placed them well back in their walk in closet,
and it never really occurred to me that I should spend time
going through them with her.
If I have any small regrets, that would be one of them.

Time has a habit of getting away from us while we pursue what
is important to us at the time.
I see it again happening with my own children.
I mention things that I would like to do with them, and they are
too busy or will put it "on the list", or they look at
each other and roll their eyes just as I did
back when I was near the same age.

So, I will continue on doing this self investigation...And write of it.
Hopefully someday they will sit down and read about Grandma and smile.

I guess what I am saying in this writing is:
try to slow down and enjoy where you are now.
Don't go rushing around so much trying to "find"
what you have not lost.

Keeping up with the Jones Family won't work,
They will just move. (joke)

It is not so important the "things" you have as it is the
people in your Life that you love.

Spend time with them, call them...
heck pick up a pen and write them,
the written word is still so wonderful.

Thank someone. Open a door for someone else.
Make someone Laugh or even giggle.
Hug someone even if only online.
Hugs tend to be contagious...And are not fatal.

Try to make Lemonade out of Lemons... it can still be done.

Take a walk with someone. The Conversation you
have with them may not amount to much,
but you will both feel better when you get home.

Hugs from Katie to all my Dear Friends...

More later

Going to Grandpas House

Now I know most remember going to Grandmas house.
I like to remember going to visit my Grandpa.

Yes, that can be confusing since they lived in the
same house. Yes, I liked going to see Grandma too.

Its just that Grandpa had an extra way of making
me feel extra special. He doted on me. He always
made sure I was ok, that my brothers didnt bother me.

He always cooked the best pancakes and syrup.
Ok, Grandma cooked the pancakes most the time,
but his syrup was the best I ever tasted.

We used to go to visit them quite often as my
Mom was going to college and needed a place
to leave us.

We had the run of the farm, and
loved that. There were many cats and cows
and other critters to love there. I even remember
a batch of baby mice one time. The only
details of that...are that it was my first understanding
of survival of the fittest and the difference between
pets and rodents.

My Parents and Grandparents were brave.
They also had a wanderlust, hope of a better
future in a new place, and deep love of the land.

Their move to Missouri when my Mother was
8 months pregnant with me still amazes me to
this day. To take that change on and be
successful at it is the true meaning of following
a Dream.

Now they never told me they were successful.
I assumed that from my own memories of growing
up in a place that allowed me to roam free most
of the time. A place where there were nooks and
crannies always full of adventure and discovery.

Trees to climb, animals and pets to love. Ponds
to adventure around, old buildings with rooms
un occupied except by cobwebs.

I could and did spend many times just sitting in
a tree, looking out over the Scenery. I used to
sit above where the Hollyhocks and Sweet Peas
were planted and smell that lovely smell and
watch the bees buzz around them, knowing
I could catch the fresh breezes and escape
from whatever my Brother's lates scheme was
to hear me yell.

Words

I wrote of Treasure before. I will write again. I realize now why I love Books so much.

Each book is a Treasure of words.
Easy words, hard words, words you never read before.
Annoying words, words best read out loud. Words that tickle.
Words that surprise or horrify!

Where would we be without them? Reading them brings Angst, Tears, and Joy.

I collect old books....mostly Hardcover because those are the ones I will be most
apt to read. Some of them are beautiful just to look at...imagine whats inside.

I think we have gotten too far away from using our imaginations.
With all of the ways to entertain ourselves, picking up a Book is
still the best one I can think of doing.

I began collecting Books a long time ago. Going from Garage Sale
to Garage Sale, books were and are the best bargain. I was given
access to a collection of books one time that I could not resist.
I knew of the many people who had read them before me.
The books were going to be destroyed if I did not give them
a new home. I did so and have never regretted that choice.

Now, thats not to say my family did not regret it. They still complain
often about how I have too many of them and the clutter continues
to grow. They are right of course, and I have begun to try to resist
the temptation of buying many new ones. I have found some wonderful
resources to recycle them, so feel better about them as I know they
will no longer just be destroyed, but moved on to another happy
reader.

I sit every day spending time with a Book. I figure that I have to.
This is the only way I will ever be able to read the wonderful
Collection I have already. I have even recently gone to the Public
Library instead of buying the latest Series of 6 novels I wanted
to delve into.

You see, I am not only reading for the total joy of it, but as
an escape, a way to travel, and a way to learn about the world.
One cannot find a better hobby, or an easier one to take along
with them almost anywhere they want to go. They pack easily,
are sturdy, and can be picked up and put down without losing
the story or the adventure.

I have to admit I do not choose paperbacks much anymore.
Some of them are larger and the print is ok for my eyes, but
the smaller ones are too small of a print for my eyes to read
easily, so I do my best to get the story in Hardcover or in the
larger Paperbacks most stores now carry.

I knew I needed to get to reading before my Eyesight gets
to the point where I do not enjoy the trip of the mind.
I remember my Mom being an avid reader for many
years, and now I understand why.

She lost that skill the last few years, and I am sure it was
frustrating to her when that and the ability to Sew passed
out of her hands.

I never thought about writing anything of merit. I never
even wrote in my Diary much as a Child. I never realized
that I might enjoy reading what I wrote some day, even
if it was trivial and repetative. Now I realize I want to
try my hand at it, and only write for my own entertainment.

I got past that roadblock that was keeping me from
having time alone with myself and just unwinding by
putting words on paper.

The point of this story is really just to get busy
and Read. Write also as it too can be a good
escape. These are inexpensive ways to
self entertain that are not illegal, immoral, or
fattening.

Ok, so they can be, but I read the legal stuff;
the only bordering on immoral, but not going over;
and the not so fattening, unless its a Cookbook.

Oh, and I hope you at least smiled as you
read this writing.

Hugs

Katie

Treasures

Money cannot buy true Treasures, did you know that?

We tend to think it can when we are quite young.
A new pair of shoes can seem way too important
when you are barefooted. Although whether that
is a treasure or not depends upon the view of
the person I suppose.

I remember girlfriends having 10 pairs of shoes
when I visited them when I was about 12. That was
the first time I ever felt poor.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I did not feel poor in the
way most people do...we never went hungry. We had shoes.
We had animals...and friends... my brothers and I
never felt deprived.

I guess I mean I felt poor in the sense that
others took for granted what I saw as extreme
bounty. ....thats treasure too, isn't it?

When I was young, all that I needed to be Happy
were simple things. A pet, a book, time to lie
and look at the clouds...those were true treasures.

Music to listen to....or to play...or to be able
to sing along...what a joy that was!

I wrote a poem to my Dad thanking him for making
us feel treasured....and rich in ways that money
cannot buy. I also wrote one to my Mom thanking
her, but I think it was too late by the time I
gave it to her...she did not seem to understand.

Little things kept in boxes. The boxes themselves...
true Treasures. A colored picture drawn by hand
by a youngster, then painstakingly colored...not
going outside the lines....treasure.

A letter from a niece wishing a Happy Birthday...
delightful memories....treasure.

That's why I say Treasure. Time will move on....
people will grow older, some will die. But, those
memories will always remain, the true, all important
Treasure.
Memories.

Hugs to all who need them, pass them on!

Katie

Family Memories

Remember when you wanted to go to the phone and call someone?

Then you passed on the thought in order to do some more work
around the house, or to go do something else important at that
time?

Time goes too fast. Soon the years spin away...and I find myself
thinking back about the past.

I have been clearing out clutter recently...it feels good to let
go and it feels good to remember.

I have talked to Family about these feelings and of letting go.
Don't get wrapped up in clutter I say...and I know they hear.

Things that seemed important when I saved them, no longer have
any meaning whatsoever. Now I know that when I save things from
now on, it will have to have more meaning before it goes into a box.

I will admit I found many good memories, true treasures I had saved.
Like letters from my Mother who died last spring. Letters from both
of my grandmothers. What a joy it was to see those handwritings again.

Treasures from when my three Daughters were small....like pictures
they drew...and letters they had written, or cards they gave me as
gifts. I saved all the Anniversary cards my Husband has given me
over the years. There are many more than I realized. The time he
spent picking out those cards means more to me now than the actual
card itself.

My only Uncle called me last evening. We talked for almost an hour
and I suppose would have talked longer had the weather not gotten
bad on my end. I was a bit afraid of getting fried as we chatted.
(feel free to laugh here~)

He is having more health concerns. I think he would like us to come
visit. It is almost an 8 hour trip...but I truly think I will try
to do it...and share the trip with my brother and my dad. Time
is too short to put it off. Dad likes to go visit every March to
share his Birthday with his only brother who lives in Missouri.

I realized last night that it is so important to take the time.
Sit down and write some snail mail. Write or call a Friend.

Do not pass that Phone again saying "I will do it later". Before
you know it, "later" is too late.

Go now, call someone you Love, just to say hello.

I know I did, I called my Brother Jim this morning and had
the best visit.

Hugs

Talk to ya later....

Katie