I have had a wonderful start to my New Year.
That is a bigger accomplishment than it sounds.
This all comes after a terrible Autumn and a better
Winter. I say this simply because things are really
starting to improve at last.
They say Life is what we make it, this is true beyond
belief or knowledge.
"After the Darkness Comes the Dawn". All of
the old sayings are true, guess that they
have stood the sands of time.
From Dark times come good times, someone once said.
This I now find true.
Had someone asked me this several months ago, I could
not have answered so readily. I did not feel so. I
did not feel at all. I was numb to everything.
I was reaching a crisis I did not know I was in. Not knowing
about it, I could not prepare or handle it. Things kept
getting bigger in my mind and no matter what I did, I
could not fix it.
As I found success in my weight loss efforts, the more I fell
into this very dark place inside me. It was deeper than anyone
could have told me. I was alone. I felt unloved. I was losing
the one constant in my Life, food.
Food, ah the Elixer of Life for me.
No longer so. Thank goodness.
While I was in this deepening "place" I had landed, I knew I
was there. I knew all was not good. I knew it needed to be fixed.
I thought I could fix it all by leaving this safe haven, this home.
To this day I am not sure why I figured that moving out, getting
my own place, starting a new Life on my own would work. It did not.
That became clear only 2 weeks into my new found living space.
Why I did not talk things out with my husband is beyond my scope
at this time. I had tried to get attention and help about such
matters, but I suppose I did not speak loudly enough. Every time
I tried, I felt I was being ignored. I felt like I no longer
mattered. I was now a piece of the furniture with no worth other
than taking up a space and not providing any Income to help pay
the bills.
What I did not realize at that time was that it was ME myself who
was placing all of this on me. I was not well in my mind. I perhaps
have never really been well in my mind. As I look to my past more
and more, I see that I have not been truly Happy in many many,
many years.
I felt so worthy and loved when I first married. I was at last
loved and accepted as I was....warts and all. Lumps and all.
Fat and all. I was ready to raise my Family. I had wanted to
be a Mom since I was a very young child. I would give my
unadulterated love to every animal on the Farm from Baby Chicks
in Spring, to Bunnies given from Grandparents, to the dogs
and cats we acquired as the years of my childhood went slowly
by me. I remember mostly from pictures now. I will see a photo
and remember something from way back then. That is a good feeling.
Going back now, I see the good times again. I am slowly forgetting
the sad, bad times. There were many sad times. We never had much
money. We rarely realized it. Mom and Dad did a very good job
of making us feel special at Christmas and on Birthdays.
Why did all of this escape me? Why did I turn so bitter inside?
Was I so positive that I was not worthy of this Love given to
me? Yes. I did not, nor did I ever for a very long time Love
myself.
I was never going to be good enough, ever. I made sure of that
myself. I sabotaged Me. I still to this day catch myself almost
falling back into that place again. That self loathing tries
to creep back, but I slap it down now. No more will I be my
own victim!
Life is such a mind game! One I have not been so very good
at playing. Sure on the surface, I have always put forth a
Happy Face. I was the Life of the Party, the "Happy" fat girl.
We moved at a very critical time in my Life. I did not realize
it, and that took a huge toll on me. Back when we moved, I
looked at it as a saving grace. A new place to start over.
New Friends. New schools. A New Life, a better one.
As we settled in to a new home, and a new start, I fell victim
to my own unworthiness as the community we moved into was
very "in" to status and money and clothes and shoes. Yes,
shoes. Some of my new classmates had 20 pairs of shoes in
their closets. This flabbergasted me at the same time it
amazed me.
I reached out for friends and found some. Or I should say
they accepted me. I was more comfortable in their arena.
That is why I never tried to be accepted into the "popular"
group. Some made it. Some with more weight than me on
their frames. It was confidence I lacked that made those
few shine in the "in" crowd.
Now looking back, that was a blessing more than a curse.
No child back then could realize that. In the future it
would not matter where you were in the class. It would
not matter who was "popular". No one could tell me how
to be Happy. I had to find that happiness myself.
Mom made me join things. I think I would have been a loner
way back then had I been allowed to be. She encouraged me
to join 4-H. She wanted me to find my niche. So did Dad.
They had begun to worry that I was alone so much. They
wanted me to be a success. They pushed me out of the Shell
I was creating for myself, that warm safe cocoon.
It took a long time. I was a poor student in friendships.
I did not realize it then. I do now. All I know about
those days is that I ran into all of the wrong types of
people. Those who had their own poor self image. Those
who had to pick on those they found weaker than themselves.
There was even one Boy who really did like me, I know it.
He tried to become my friend, but his "peers" picked on
him enough that he did not have the courage to go on.
He set up a date with me, then did not show up. Not only
did that hurt, but then when the "in" group of boys
laughed and taunted me at School for a while after it
happened. I toughed it out. I am not sure I even told
Mom and Dad about it. The worst thing that could happen
was that they get involved in it.
I also remember getting kicked out of a class for making
eyes at my best friend about some silly thing the Teacher
was saying in his Science Class lecture.
This became a fiasco as well. I ended up in the Music
Teacher's room because I didn't know where else to go
and my friend and I were crying so hard we did not want
anyone else to see us. My parents did get involved in
that one. Mom came to School to see what happened. Of
course it was my and my friend's word against that teacher.
I was too embarrassed to admit the rolling eyes thing
that my friend and I had done.
There are many other things that happened that have helped to
mold me into the person I had become. Small things, perhaps,
but with huge conswquences when viewed by a Shy, maturing
teen with no self respect or worth.
Now this past October, all of this came crashing down on me.
I found I was facing an impossible task. I could not live
on my own, I loved my Famiy way too much to leave them
all behind. I was forced once again to look at myself
deeply. I did NOT like what I saw. In my quest to find
myself, I lost myself instead.
My husband Larry was so very supportive of what I did.
He went out of his way to show me he wanted my Happiness.
Until this time, he was not aware how badly I was hurting.
I am oh so good at covering things like that up.
I hadn't healed from my Mother's Death. I perhaps never will
entirely. There are still some old wounds that go deep. I
promise to keep working on it and to resolve it in time.
"All Things Will Pass". This too is unvalueably true.
"Time Heals All Wounds". Yes it does.
That is why this is the best Year Ever. THIS New Year. It grows
much better. It leaves the Past behind by recalling it and writing
things down.
It is my Catharsis. I will "Spring forward" again.
I am worthy!
Hugs to ME! Hugs to YOU!
More Next time!
Katie
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