The Day After

Today is the day after Mother's Day.
Yes, as they say, the world does go on.
Thank goodness for that. Sometimes we do not see how it can.
Thank goodness for that too. We have to "feel", even when it is pain.

I quit feeling for a while. Possibly to protect myself.
For a time after my Mom died, I could not feel.
No pain, no anger, no joy, no excitement.
Only a non-feeling feeling.

It is difficult to explain this feeling. I had never felt
such a thing before. Absence of feeling perhaps I should say.

No connection.
Bewilderment.
Lost.
I pushed those I loved most
away.
I wasted time that I knew I was wasting.
I knew I could not get it back.
I did not care.

Remembering this year that has passed,
I feel much better now. I knew the stages
of grief. I went through them. I survived.

I owe a lot of that to my friends online.
They cared. They shared. They listened.
They listened some more. Some even
called.

I will be forever thankful for that.

I promised to take better care of me.
I promised Mom. I promised me.

Now with this recent injury, that is a tough order.
I will not give up on me, I cannot. I am the only
one who has to care now.

I knew in my Heart after Mom died that we could
not be selfish and want her to stay when she was so lost.
She stayed longer than she should have possibly...but I
will be forever thankful that she did.

She gave me the best gift in doing that. We had time
to spend together. I wiped her furrowed brow. I was
able to love her a little bit longer. Kiss her a few times.
She lit up when I walked into the room. It was like the
first time she had seen me in a very long time, every time.

That smile, that humor. She had it. She used it. She enjoyed it.
Those who knew her adored her. She never knew an enemy.
She gave me my life, I will always love her.
I still marvel at how she continued to tell us she had no pain.
That will remain forever hard to believe. I thank goodness
she did not.

I know now that I am much more like her than I ever
wanted to be. I wanted to be different....and I am that too.
She gave me that as well.

She gave me love of people. She gave me humor. She gave
me time. She gave me poetry. She gave me her heart.

She would have given her life for me.
She gave me joy.

She helped me see past the surface in people
to see what was beneath. She taught me well.

Yes, I miss her this Holiday. I have missed her on
Christmas. I have missed her on my Birthday.
I have missed her on Hers.

I am very lucky in that I have wonderful memories.
She gave me that too.

She also gave me my Brothers, dear men.
They have grown older and better. They have
fathered wonderful children. They are my friends now.
She taught them that.

She wrote of when they were younger. I must do so too.
I will write down tales of growing up. Playing and hiding.

Yes, it is the Day after. The day after Mother's Day.
I am enjoying this day as much as I have the Day before.

I remember Mamma too. I smile. I cry a little.
I loved her so much, and always will.

Now that she is gone, I wish I had called her more.
I wish I had sent her flowers more. I wish I had
gone to visit her more.

I will make the effort to do so with my girls.
I promise you that Mom....

I do not want to end this writing on a sad note.
It has been a wonderful year. I have been able
to spend much time with Family. We are all closer now.

The phone rings often.
My girls miss me and spend time with me.
I am loved.

So, to all reading this,
Happy Day After Mother's Day!
Celebrate. Enjoy, Call!

Hugs

Katie